New Life Story Seeds # 11
Chaos and Dancing Stars
Dear Friends,
Welcome to issue #11 of New Life Story Seeds. I
apologize for the erratic schedule of publication, not
at all what I had planned. My life has been chaotic
lately, but I hope I'm seeing light at the end of the
tunnel. I think it's the good kind of chaos but it's
too soon to tell. As you'll read in the Hearth and Soul
column, I'm backtracking, realizing that before I can
do any significant house and soul restorations,
there're some other major renovations in order. In this
issue, you'll also find a thoughtful quotation, juicy
questions, and books, resources, and links.
Wishing you all the glories of the change of seasons
and burgeoning new life stories,
Ellen Moore
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In This Issue:
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A Thoughtful Quotation
Juicy Questions
Hearth and Soul
Books, Resources, Links
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A Thoughtful Quotation
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"…your worn-out idea or endeavor can shine more
brightly if you will take some of it and throw it away.
It is the same idea as the sculptor removing more
marble in order to reveal more of the hidden form. A
powerful way of renewing or strengthening one's
intention or action that has become fatigued is to
throw some ideas away, and focus."
Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Women Who Run With the Wolves
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Juicy Questions
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Are there any worn-out ideas or endeavors in your life?
What are your criteria for deciding?
How do you work with nature's cycles of energy and
fatigue?
How do you work the seasons of your own body, mind,
emotions, and soul?
When do you need to rest?
When do you need to create or release energy?
Do you tend to hold onto things, ideas, people, and
situations, or do you find it easy to release them when
it's time?
How could the concept of pruning for new growth apply
to your inner or outer life?
What in your life does not need to be pruned?
If you threw ideas away, what would be revealed?
What small actions could you take now to improve your
focus?
What is hidden within you that needs only to be
chiseled free?
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Hearth and Soul
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Tuesday, February 29, 2000
It's been a couple of weeks, and Mike still hasn't
called with an estimate for the repairs on the porch,
but Mario from another company shows up to take a look
at the damage. He's sixty-ish, looks frail and delicate
under his bushy moustache, says he can't work on the
porch until spring because of the weather. When I ask
for an estimate, he tells me he doesn't know where to
begin, since "I don't know what I'm going to find under
this paneling." He quotes me an hourly rate that seems
reasonable, and as he leaves, I take a deep breath and
ask The Big Question. "Oh, by the way," I say ever-so-
casually. "Do you think this is termite damage?"
I hold my breath.
"Oh no," he says. "It's just rot."
I'm relieved, but I assume he hasn't seen those
billions of tiny eggs in the wood. "But what about
those eggs?" I ask.
"That's carpenter ants," he says. "They come in to eat
up the rot." Then he explains the difference between
rot and termite damage, how you'd know by looking and
tapping the wood, the look of the eggs.
There, it's out in the open. I asked the scary
question, and I got reassurance. I'd heard of
unscrupulous contractors who crawl out from under a
house with a piece of rotten wood covered with termites
they've brought with them in a little jar hidden in
their jacket. This guy could have easily convinced me
we needed major work throughout the house just to save
it.
There's something unsettling about the thought of
termites. Little creatures nibbling away at the
foundation of our only dwelling place. Silently,
insidiously. For me, I suppose termites represent the
nagging worries I try not to acknowledge, insecurities,
uncomfortable insights I keep pushing back and trying
to deny.
Wednesday, March 1, 2000
A long talk with my doctor. I've been with him for two
years with few signs of improvement in the chronic pain
and fatigue that began 11 years ago after a serious car
accident. Never well since, but these diseases have
nibbled away at my life so slowly and imperceptibly--
drop by drop, teaspoon by teaspoon--that it's hard for
me to be objective about how serious the situation is.
I keep going through various levels of denial in facing
my physical condition. I keep trying to pretend I have
a normal level of energy, but I clearly don't.
The truth is: I'm nearly disabled. On the few good
days, I can walk a half block, but on the bad days, I
can barely walk a few feet, and can't stand for more
than a minute or two. Have to sit on a kitchen stool to
make a meal. Climbing stairs is agony. I ache all over
most of the time. My energy level is so low that some
days I can barely get out of bed, and the slightest
task or chore seems overwhelming. I can sit in a
recliner and write for hours, but I wouldn't be able to
hold down a regular job.
There, I've said it. Flushed those termites out into
the open.
A few years ago, I sought out care from specialists. I
did extensive research, I took vitamins and supplements
and strong prescription drugs that made my head reel.
Nothing helped very much, and after a period of time, I
was worse than before. It was at that point that I
began to research alternative approaches and found my
current doctor. He's unconventional, but he's the only
one who has offered me any hope other than "Just cope
with it." He says his treatment can make a big
difference, but it will take a long time, I will need
to make big changes, and I will probably get even
sicker before I get well. I need to simplify my life,
and ideally, I would stop everything for a year to a
year-and-a-half and do nothing but take care of myself.
Continue the swimming, add yoga classes, he says.
Now it's time for a more drastic program. I suppose if
he had sprung this plan on me in the beginning, I would
have bolted. I like fresh vegetable juice and salads,
but the thought of wheat grass juice makes me
nauseated. Even as my heart sinks at the amount of
change, effort, and expense involved, I know in my
heart he's right.
"You need to do this as if your life depended on it,"
he says. It does. At least the quality of my life, and
if I were to continue on the same path, I know I'd be
headed into a permanent, irreversible decline--I can
feel it. It's a relief to have it all out in the open,
to face it squarely.
To what extent can I follow this new regimen? And for
how long? This can't last forever, can it? I can see
myself stumbling into an Italian restaurant gasping,
"Pasta, steak, wine, caffeine--for the love of God."
I don't know, but I do know pain is a great motivator,
and nothing else has worked for me so far. Everyone's
different. I'm hopeful for the first time in a long
time after having been discouraged about ever feeling
better or having any energy. My hope may be premature
and this effort may turn out to be another mirage just
like all the other "solutions" I've tried, but I
believe it is better to follow even a shadow of a dream
than remain mired in despair.
I toy with the idea of creating a "secret" online
journal to report on this "Life Salvage" project. If it
works, it might help other people in the same
situation, and if it doesn't, then it'll make a good
story. Either way, it would be building on a book I've
already started, and it might help to keep me motivated
to follow through to the end.
It's been a chaotic few weeks. I've been more
exhausted than usual, and have been forgetting things,
even a dental appointment.
The chaos feels hopeful. Movement after a long period
of stasis. Positive disintegration. Breaking up the old
in order to make way for the new. Time to create a
vacuum, pare down, prune, toss out old ideas, projects,
anything unnecessary--doing that always creates
upheaval before the new order is established. Nietzsche
wrote, "You must have chaos in your soul in order to
give birth to a dancing star."
Mike finally called and left a message, apologizing for
taking so long, telling me he had an estimate for me
for the porch, but I've been too tired to call him
back. First things first. I need to rest before the
dancing.
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Books, Resources, Links
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Is it time to reread Women Who Run With the Wolves? You
may be amazed how much new material you'll discover on
second and subsequent readings. And if you haven't
read the book yet, you've missed a profound experience.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes is a Jungian analyst and story
teller, a guardian of old and deep wisdom. Although the
title suggests that the book applies primarily to
women, much of the material is equally applicable to
men. Within all of us is a wild, powerful, and creative
force that has been endangered by our culture's well-
meaning attempts to make us socially acceptable. Using
myths, folk tales, archetypes, and stories from many
cultures, Estes helps us to value and reconnect with
our most primitive selves. Transformation is a theme
throughout the book as we allow our deep psyches to
heal us.
Pinkola Estes, Clarissa. Women Who Run With the Wolves:
Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype.
Ballantine Books (Mm), 1997.
Pinkola Estes, Clarissa. The Gift of Story: A Wise Tale
About What Is Enough. Ballantine Books (T), 1994.
Pinkola Estes, Clarissa. Clarissa Pinkola Estes Live:
Theatre of the Imagination. Sounds True Audio Cassettes, 1999.
Pinkola Estes, Clarissa. Faithful Gardener: A Wise Tale
About That Which Can Never Die. Harper San Francisco, 1995.
Pinkola Estes, Clarissa. The Dangerous Old Woman: Myths
and Stories of the Wise Old Woman Archetype [LARGE PRINT].
Out Of Print.
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Writer's Digest: The Insider's Guide to the Writing Life
Cameron, Julia. The Right to Write: An Invitation and
Initiation into the Writing Life. J P Tarcher, 1999.
Hallman, Anita. Self Preservation. Deseret Book Company, 1997.
Newman, Leslea. Writing from the Heart: Inspiration and
Exercises for Women Who Want to Write. Crossing Pr, 1993.
Polking, Kirk. Writing Family Histories and Memoirs.
Writers Digest Books, 1995.
Slonim Aronie, Nancy. Writing from the Heart: Tapping
the Power of Your Inner Voice. Hyperion (P), 1998.
Thomas, Frank P. How to Write the Story of Your Life.
Writers Digest Books, 1989.
Willett Stanek, Lou. Writing Your Life: Putting Your
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© Copyright 2000 Ellen Moore, Ph.D.
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